W. C. Fields Quotes | Quotes by W. C. Fields
1I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
2I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
3Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
4So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
5I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
6I can do anything I want to do!
7I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
8Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.
9Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
10If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
11Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
12How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
13Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
14When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
15I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
16Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
17The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
18Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
19If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
20Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.
21During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
22I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
23Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
24Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
25Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
26All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
27Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
28I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
29There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
30Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
31Never give a sucker an even break.
32No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
33Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
34Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
35I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
36The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
37Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
38It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
39Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
40I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
41If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
42I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
43I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
44Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
45Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
46I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
47The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
48The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
49Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
50There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
51Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
52Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
53I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
54There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
55My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
56Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
57Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
58I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
59Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
60If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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